We are at Risk. We are Resilient.

In the face of strong winds, let me be a blade of grass. In the face of strong walls, let me be a gale of wind.

Quaker proverb

Stress expert, Robert Sapolsky, draws this severe scientific conclusion in his extensive research on humans under pressure:

“The biggest predictor of mortality across the board for all infectious disease is the degree of social isolation versus social affiliation...Social isolation, then, is a major health-risk factor.”

Yikes! This is not good news for us in the Covid-Era. A health pandemic in the world, a crisis in communities. Covid or not, we are all at risk. He goes on to say— “if you feel like you have no control over what is going on- this is the worst form of psychological stress.”

It is important to know that crisis presents both a danger and an opportunity. In our personal lives and at home, we have to look at how to make the dangers smaller and opportunities larger. Research shows that those who cope with stress effectively seek control in the face of present stressors and don’t get swept away with things that are out of their control.

In the face of strong winds- the corona virus is a strong wind; Let me be a blade of grass- we have to be flexible to- bend with the wind and not get swept away. This is resilience and here are some ideas for weathering this storm:

• Routines and Rhythms- Creating new routines for yourself and your family can help reduce conflict in the home and give a sense of stability in this time of uncertainty. We might not know when its safe to stand close to people again- but we can know what time we eat, sleep and phone a friend.

• Boundaries- Boundaries protect well-being and are necessary to create quality connections with ourselves and others. Boundaries with work means we honor when we are off. Boundaries with family means we take into account not only the needs of others, but our own as well- these have to co-exist and not live in opposition.

• Transition- The work/school to home transition is now happening in a split-second. The first day I walked out of my newly formed home office and into the family room I was overwhelmed by the flood of needs- dinner needed to made, kids needed attention, the dog wanted exercise, school work needed checked. Micro-breaks can help with stress management and transitions. Small rituals like 5 deep breaths before you step out of the room, roll your shoulders back, stretching, turning a sign on your door to mark the end of the work day. 

• Stress- Understand that stress lives in the body. Pay attention to stress signals: stomach aches headaches, muscle tension, irritability, jaw clenching, difficulty concentrating or remembering things are just a few signs of stress. Relaxing the body, relaxes the mind. Exercise, stretching, dancing, playing outdoors and mindfulness are just a few ways to care for the mind and body. 

• Purpose- Find purpose in your day- this is protective for mental health. Size doesn’t matter. It could be to reach out to someone, learn to make something news, create- whatever it is- do something that has value to you.

• Hope- Holding hope helps us move through worried feelings. Sapolsky advises that even in the most stressful situations, let a small part of you prepare for the worst and a large part of you hope for the best.

I hope this is a help to you. More sound-byte on these topics can be found here:

Alaska News Nightly (around minute 12:30)
March 20, 2020
KTVA Chanel 11 Nightly News  
March 21, 2020

Emotion Coaching during Covid-19

Children have very deep feelings. Our striving to understand those feelings and better respond to them, I feel is the most important task in our world - Mr. Rogers

I was running alongside my 12 year old son on the spacious trails of Chugach State Park. I asked him how he was feeling lately. “I feel cooped up” he shares. “I can understand” I reply. I look around us at the vast mountains, endless trails and wide open spaces and add, “Even here in the Chugach?” “Yes” he says, “trapped by the Chugach”. We agree, these are tough times. I ask him what might help. He ponders and replies “maybe a trip into town.” I tell him I have to go to the bank and invite him to come along later. He gives a resounding YES and then we both laugh…a 12 year old boy is relieved by going to the bank with him mom...these are weird times for sure.

Making space to come alongside our kids in whatever they are feeling is what helps them know what they feel and move through difficult emotions. Emotion Coaching teaches that all feelings are acceptable, not all behaviors are permissible. We don’t teach kids how to feel, we teach them how to feel about their feelings by the way we show up with them. Ignoring, dismissing and disapproving difficult emotions leads to emotional suppression or projection. Emotion Coaching helps teach emotional regulation and build emotional intelligence. When we know what we feel we get closer to knowing what we need. Here are some ideas to help give kids guidance in the world of emotions during this challenging time of Covid-19 life disruption.

Feelings to Hold in Hard Times

Hold Uncomfortable- Hard times brings feelings that are hard to hold. Take inventory of what hard to have feelings you are having. Feelings want to be felt.

Hold Curious- Feelings live in the body. Stay curious about what you are feeling and where it is in your body. Remember that all feelings are okay.

Hold Kind- Beware of negative thoughts that stick during hard times. Try to hold kind and true thoughts towards yourself and others.

Hold Hope- Hope can help our hard to have feelings. Hope believes that we will find a way through this hard time.

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Stress in anything that knock us out of balance. Kids face stress in all shapes and sizes on a daily basis. From a fall on the playground or hurtful words from a friend to a life threatening accident or illness. Stress is inevitable in life. The good news is so is resiliency- the ability to bounce back from adversity.

Supportive, positive messages and understanding a natural stress response can help a child move through hard times. Here are practical ways to help kids (and yourself) feel supported and capable during challenging times:

1. Take inventory- first of your own physical, mental and emotional state. Help a child gain a sense of calm by first developing a calming presence yourself. You can’t share what you don’t have. Where do you notice tension and discomfort in your body? Take a few deep breaths and progressively relax your muscles. Children are very sensitive to the emotional states of adults. Consider whether you are a brining a sense of anxiety or stability to the table. Calming yourself first is time well spent.

2. Be present- take time to be distraction-free and pay attention to the power of non-verbal communication through loving eye-contact and a relaxed body. Create a safe environment where feelings and thoughts can be shared without a sense of judgment or pressure. Simply listen and show understanding. A re-assuring presence lets a child know that they are not alone in what they are going through.

3. Help your child understand the mind-body connection. Stress lives in the body. Teach a child to pay attention to stress signals: an upset tummy, headaches, muscle tension, irritability, jaw clenching are just a few signs of stress. Relaxing the body, relaxes the mind. Exercise, stretching, dancing, playing outdoors and mindfulness are just a few ways kids (and adults) can learn to care for their mind and body.

4. Hold on to a kind and true thought. During stressful times negative and fearful thoughts can run wild. Coach your child to choose a kind and true thought to hold on to. Listen and encourage your child’s ideas in finding the just right words to help him or her move through worried feelings.