Grief expert David Kessler says,
"We grieve in character.”
When we move through major loss there are parts of our character that come out in a fuller form. If I am prone to avoidance of difficult emotions and easily given over to distraction as ways to cope, then in grief this will be even more apparent. If I am prone to indecision and anxious rumination when hard times come my way, then in grief this will be even more so. Patterns of over-functioning and under-functioning will become magnified; certain personality traits will be amplified in grief. Its not a reflection of all of who we are, it is grief.
As we are 9 months into a world-wide pandemic I have observed that much like grief:
We covid in character.
Parts of ourselves that have always been there, just beneath the surface, are now taking main stage. This can present both a danger and an opportunity.
Let’s take my dog, Hazel, for example. She is, I believe, the worlds best dog. She is laid back and active, cuddly and strong and best of all, she doesn’t shed. When we take her on the trails she is playful and interactive with other dogs and, for the most part, obedient in sticking with us. She alerts us to large animals like bear or moose by letting out a big bark.
Lately more of her covid character has been coming out which is pretty hard to handle. She is barking at everyone and everything. She scares children on the trail by barking and getting down on her front two paws like she wants to play or pounce them. She barks to play, she barks to warn us, she barks to greet us. She just keeps barking. Its not all of who she is, its just part of her that is amplified under the environmental stress of our present times.
Hazel doesn’t have the Covid 19, or the big C as I like to call it. However she is undoubtedly living with the effects of little c covid. We all are. Little c is the vicarious impact of Covid 19 that has infiltrated every corner of our social, emotional, economic and political lives.
Kessler says that “In grief we are a mixture of resilience and fragility. “ This is true in covid too. We are at risk and we are resilient. Covid is grief, a complicated grief and a collective grief.
The way through the ultra-marathon of covid-grief isn’t easy, but its not complicated either. We don’t get to choose whether we face grief or loss, we do choose how we live with it. Make room for the truth of your lived experience. Resist the urge to dismiss or deny the reality of grief and loss in this season. Grief is a natural process and it works. Noticing what parts of our character are taking over during this hard time is information to tend to.
My dogs excessive barking didn’t mean she was a suddenly a bad dog, although some fellow trail-mates might disagree. It was a cue that certain needs weren’t being met. She needed more play time and we needed to make that happen...and she needed a haircut. Increased irritability, depression, anger, sleep disturbances, addictive patterns, etc aren’t the problem, they are information to point us to a deeper need. Watering the Seeds of Mental Health and other well-being practices like 5,3,1 and RAIN help our minds and bodies receive support from the inside-out and metabolize pain, loss and difficult emotions. Taking time to slow down and bring qualities of patience and kindness to yourself during this difficult season can do a world of good.
Take a moment to reflect on where you find yourself this season:
What is growing in you?
What is grieving in you?
