Faces and Bodies

I’ve been offering tele-health in my private practice since the turn towards Covid living mid-March. Suddenly changing the structure of how/when/where I work was like taking a hard left turn when my foot was on the gas to plow forward. Whip-lash didn’t emerge until a few weeks later. My vision blurred, my head ached, my energy plummeted. Tele-health took its toll, or was it the thrust into pandemic living, the loss of infra-structure for family life, the reverberations of anxiety and fear throughout the entire world? Hard to tell- a lot happened at once and highly-sensitive people, like myself, tend to feel it all. 

I’ve hit my Covid wall- more than once- and I haven’t even had the virus. But in a way we have all been infected- it’s everywhere. The social, emotional, physical and relational effects of Covid have penetrated every aspect of society. In my circles I hear less anxiety about getting the virus and more concern over who and what will be effected if I get the virus. Vulnerable parents, friends, family-members could be in danger. Quarantining could mean loss of work, relationships  or social and learning opportunities for kids. There is so much to think through all.the.time. 

As we near the inevitable end of summer and the start to a great unknown school year Faces and Bodies are on my mind. When we meet online we loose the embodiment of in person communication. When we meet in person we loose the fullness of verbal and non-verbal communication that un-masked faces convey. Either way we are fragmented and working harder to make up the difference. I am exploring out of the box solutions to bring faces and bodies back together to work safely and therapeutically amidst a pandemic. Trying walk and talk therapy, transparent masks, whatever I can think of to support the integrative work of therapy during a fragmented season. I know educators are doing the same. Learning is embodied for kids. How do educators safely support learning in a time such as this? 

So many questions amidst a sea of unknowns.

I heard a benediction this morning that held a strange and paradoxical hope from Pastor Jia Starr Brown at First Covenant Church Minneapolis. In a world where very little is making sense- why not pray for discomfort, anger, tears and foolishness to be the unlikely vessels of blessing that anchor us through this storm?

“May God bless you with discomfort 

Discomfort at easy answers, half truths and superficial relationships 

Discomfort so that you will live deep within your heart 

May God bless you with anger 

Anger at injustice, oppression and exploitation of people 

Anger so you will work for justice, for freedom and for peace 

May God bless you with tears 

Tears to shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, starvation and war

Tears so that you will reach out to comfort them and the turn their pain into joy

And may God bless you with foolishness

Foolishness to believe you can make a difference in this world 

Foolishness so that you will do what others claims cannot be done

May it be so.”

Emotion Coaching during Covid-19

Children have very deep feelings. Our striving to understand those feelings and better respond to them, I feel is the most important task in our world - Mr. Rogers

I was running alongside my 12 year old son on the spacious trails of Chugach State Park. I asked him how he was feeling lately. “I feel cooped up” he shares. “I can understand” I reply. I look around us at the vast mountains, endless trails and wide open spaces and add, “Even here in the Chugach?” “Yes” he says, “trapped by the Chugach”. We agree, these are tough times. I ask him what might help. He ponders and replies “maybe a trip into town.” I tell him I have to go to the bank and invite him to come along later. He gives a resounding YES and then we both laugh…a 12 year old boy is relieved by going to the bank with him mom...these are weird times for sure.

Making space to come alongside our kids in whatever they are feeling is what helps them know what they feel and move through difficult emotions. Emotion Coaching teaches that all feelings are acceptable, not all behaviors are permissible. We don’t teach kids how to feel, we teach them how to feel about their feelings by the way we show up with them. Ignoring, dismissing and disapproving difficult emotions leads to emotional suppression or projection. Emotion Coaching helps teach emotional regulation and build emotional intelligence. When we know what we feel we get closer to knowing what we need. Here are some ideas to help give kids guidance in the world of emotions during this challenging time of Covid-19 life disruption.

Feelings to Hold in Hard Times

Hold Uncomfortable- Hard times brings feelings that are hard to hold. Take inventory of what hard to have feelings you are having. Feelings want to be felt.

Hold Curious- Feelings live in the body. Stay curious about what you are feeling and where it is in your body. Remember that all feelings are okay.

Hold Kind- Beware of negative thoughts that stick during hard times. Try to hold kind and true thoughts towards yourself and others.

Hold Hope- Hope can help our hard to have feelings. Hope believes that we will find a way through this hard time.

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Stress in anything that knock us out of balance. Kids face stress in all shapes and sizes on a daily basis. From a fall on the playground or hurtful words from a friend to a life threatening accident or illness. Stress is inevitable in life. The good news is so is resiliency- the ability to bounce back from adversity.

Supportive, positive messages and understanding a natural stress response can help a child move through hard times. Here are practical ways to help kids (and yourself) feel supported and capable during challenging times:

1. Take inventory- first of your own physical, mental and emotional state. Help a child gain a sense of calm by first developing a calming presence yourself. You can’t share what you don’t have. Where do you notice tension and discomfort in your body? Take a few deep breaths and progressively relax your muscles. Children are very sensitive to the emotional states of adults. Consider whether you are a brining a sense of anxiety or stability to the table. Calming yourself first is time well spent.

2. Be present- take time to be distraction-free and pay attention to the power of non-verbal communication through loving eye-contact and a relaxed body. Create a safe environment where feelings and thoughts can be shared without a sense of judgment or pressure. Simply listen and show understanding. A re-assuring presence lets a child know that they are not alone in what they are going through.

3. Help your child understand the mind-body connection. Stress lives in the body. Teach a child to pay attention to stress signals: an upset tummy, headaches, muscle tension, irritability, jaw clenching are just a few signs of stress. Relaxing the body, relaxes the mind. Exercise, stretching, dancing, playing outdoors and mindfulness are just a few ways kids (and adults) can learn to care for their mind and body.

4. Hold on to a kind and true thought. During stressful times negative and fearful thoughts can run wild. Coach your child to choose a kind and true thought to hold on to. Listen and encourage your child’s ideas in finding the just right words to help him or her move through worried feelings.