Emotionally Intelligent Parenting

“Family life is our first school of emotional learning.”

- Daniel Goleman

School is out and Family is in- for better and worse, for ups and downs, till COVID do us part and schools re-open. Stress is heightened and anxiety is running rampant as our world is off tilt. Families are having a wide variety of experiences for a wide variety of reasons.  Financial, emotional and relational hardships have been heightened for some. For others life may seem more manageable then pre-covid- less hustle to daily life, more down time and quality time for what matters most.

There is no one size fits all for how to live through this time. There is however help and guidance for how to live with our own feelings and the feelings of those around us in ways that will make our world a healthier place, COVID or not.

One of my favorite topics to engage individuals, families, schools and work places with is what I call Social Emotional Learning for Everyone (SELFE). Social emotional learning is about giving guidance in the world of emotions and relationships. SEL is the bedrock of building Emotional Intelligence. It involves paying attention to what is happening on the inside- whether that is at home, school or the work place. When we put more tools in our own tool box for dealing with emotions we are more equipped to guide children in productive ways.

A survey based on 6,188 adults at John Hopkins led by researcher Dr. Christina Bethell shows 7 Positive Childhood Experiences (PCE) linked to good mental health in adults.

These PCE’s are: (click here for cool graphics on this topic illustrated by Lindsay Braman)

1. Ability to talk with family about feelings. 

2. Felt experience that family is supportive during difficult times. 

3. Enjoyment and participation in community traditions.

4. Feeling of belonging in high school.

5. Feeling of being supported by friends.

6. Having at least two non-parent adults who genuinely care.

7. Feeling safe and protected by an adult at home. 

A whopping three of these characteristic involve family and feelings. Here is some research-based EQ guidance to help you or the people in your circle face these COVID days with growing Emotional Intelligence.

Emotional learning starts with out first family. Emotional learning is not simply hardwired into the brain. Part of its acquisition stems from interaction with parents or guardians, other family members, teachers and friends

We don’t teach kids how to feel. We teach them how to feel about their feelings through our interactions with them, particularly in emotional moments.

Emotional Intelligence is understood to play a large part in a persons success in life and relationships.

Having emotional intelligence doesn’t mean you (or your child) doesn’t struggle with hard to have feelings. It just means you value identifying, understand and managing what you are feeling in productive ways.

Scientists think that 30-60% of emotionality is inherited. These are seen in what are called the Big 5 Personalty Traits- neuroticism, openness, conscientiousness, extroversion/introversion and agreeableness.

Family Environments involves the critical learning that is embedded in the day to day relationship between a parent and a child.

The world we grow up involves the culture, institutions and influential people that surround us.

It is important to note that stress and trauma can greatly impede the development of Emotional Intelligence.

Children internalize the emotional regulation strategies that adults use and are likely to take on the emotional behaviors of parents, teachers, older siblings and peers.

We have the opportunity to teach children to address feelings in constructive ways so they can eventually regulate their own behavior. As children mature, the ability to manage emotions helps them to navigate social relationships, maximize intellectual success and develop confidence.

The emotional climate in the home effects children’s emotional reactivity and the quality and security of relationships with other family members. 

Research has shown that parents and guardians who are high in warmth and positive emotion and low in the expression of disapproval, hostility and other negative emotions directed toward their children, tend to have socially competent adjusted children who are also skilled in social understanding. 

Supporting the growth of emotional intelligence in our children’s lives and our own is the work of a lifetime and our greatest window of influence is these rich, developmental years. There is A LOT out there in the world that is out of our control right now- focusing on what is in our control can make all the difference. The quality of attention we bring to those around us is where our greatest impact lies in day to day life, even amidst a pandemic or perhaps even more so during a pandemic.

For more ramblings on this topic check out a candid conversation with my husband and I about the highs and lows of Parenting during a Pandemic:

Line One: Your Health Connection

Alaska Public Radio

July 31, 2020